Shrieks & Whispers

Shieks & Whispers: Who are you and what is your mission? 
Danny Sheol: I am Danny Sheol, the third coming of Christ, the son of man, the sole legitimate interpreter of scripture and the only one trusted by God to deliver His holy message and deliver the chosen few to His kingdom. Hear me preach at my chapel, Bayit Shel Lechem Ag’vaniyah, which can be recognized by its two-tiered, trapezoidal shingled roof. 

S&W: You’re the third coming of Christ? What about the second coming?
DS: You guys screwed it up, and long story short he got shot down by bureaucracts. Granted, God didn’t do very good market research and the guy he chose for the second coming was a bit of a radical. Remember David Koresh? Well, he was really the second coming. Missed opportunity for salvation. But in an unprecedented move, God decided to proceed with the third coming, and here I am.

S&W: David Koresh was actually the second coming? Are you going to go back to Mount Carmel and reclaim your position as leader of the Branch Davidians?
DS: Are you kidding? Branch Davidians are bad PR, man. God put the Archangel Gabriel in charge of public relations and he says that if I even get near Mount Carmel we’ll probably have to give up and skip right to the fourth coming. No, we’ve got a nice chapel in Atlanta. 

S&W: Right, with the shingled roof. Didn’t it used to be a Pizza Hut?
DS: No. 

S&W: …
DS: It was never a Pizza Hut. Next question. 

S&W: Okay. What is the significance of your chapel’s name, Bayit Shel Lechem Ag’vaniyah?
DS: It doesn’t mean anything. Just four random Hebrew words that sound good together and did well in the research trials that God and His team ran before I was sent to earth. Like Warby Parker.

S&W: Wait, Warby Parker isn’t, like, the founder of the company?
DS: No way, man! You thought there was some guy named Warby Parker running around selling glasses? It’s just one of the hundreds of fake names that the founders tested on their target demographic. And they’ll try to tell you it’s some kind of obscure beatnik reference, but we all know it’s just marketing.

S&W: Wow, you learn something every day. So, what’s your message? 
DS: Well, I’m afraid I can’t cover it all in this simple interview. But basically the end of the world is coming, and only I can ensure that you are saved. I alone have the answers to all life’s questions. And I promise that there will be no FBI intervention, no mass suicides, no fires, and no weird sex stuff. That’s my Third Coming Guarantee. But don’t believe everything you read! Come hear me preach at our Atlanta chapel, on the corner of Auburn and Piedmont. 

S&W: Auburn and Piedmont? I swear that that used to be a Pizza Hut. 
DS: That’s incorrect. You’re wrong. 

S&W: I dunno. I feel like I got pizza there as a kid.
DS: You didn’t. People literally flock to my chapel from all parts of the world to be saved. You think they’re coming to a former Pizza Hut? Sure, the two-layered, trapezoidal shingled roof might bear some resemblance to a Pizza Hut, but it’s white. Pizza Hut roofs, as you know, are always red. So, the case is closed. 

S&W: I mean, you could have painted it, right?
DS: You think I painted it? I, the son of man, painted a roof? All those individual shingles? Do you know how hard it is to paint a shingled surface, with all those nooks and crannies? Not to mention the thick layer of primer that I would have needed to apply first, and the sealant I would have needed to apply after for weatherproofing? That would have been a ton of work. Are you stupid?

S&W: Okay, we’ll get off the topic. Is there anything you’d like to say to your doubters? The people who accuse you of being a heretic, or even a cult leader?
DS: Well, I’d just like to let them know that God is merciful and with my help, even the most doubtful of Thomases will be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven. But don’t forget that the world is ending soon, so time is limited. All you have to do is accept me as your leader and take everything I say as absolute, unquestionable truth. And as far as heresy? It’s not heresy because I am literally Jesus. How could that be heretical? 

S&W: Makes sense. And listen, I don’t want to belabor this point, but I’m pretty sure that when I was in preschool I participated in a reading program, and the reward was free pizza. I’m almost certain my mom took me to the Pizza Hut on Auburn and Piedmont. 
DS: Well, your memory is obviously failing you. Listen, I have a direct line of contact with God, alright? I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to reach out to Him right now. Hold on. 

S&W: You can do that?
DS: Shut up. I’m concentrating. Okay. Okay. Right. God says it was never a Pizza Hut, and He’s omniscient. So you’re not allowed to believe otherwise. Who’s the heretic now?

S&W: Geez, man. I’ll drop it, I guess. 
DS: Yeah. Yeah, you will drop it. 

S&W: So, at your chapel, what kind of rituals do you perform?
DS: Thank you for asking. It’s all loosely based on the Catholic Mass, but almost everything is call-and-response, even the Gospel. And instead of an organist, we have a guy who plays a really cool synthesizer with a drum machine.

S&W: Do you offer unleavened bread and wine, as Catholics do in their sacrament of the Eucharist?
DS: Sort of. I turn water into wine at every ceremony, right underneath a big black top hat. And we definitely do the bread thing, but it’s not unleavened. People prefer warm crusty bread, which we make in the chapel. 

S&W: You make bread in the chapel?
DS: Yeah. The building has a bunch of really nice ovens. 

S&W: Pizza ovens?
DS: I could smite you. Do you realize that? I could end your life. I could tie you up, walk you out to the middle of the ocean, and just drop you there. I could mould a whole army of clay birds, bring them to life, and make them attack you. I could give you leprosy. If I can cure it I can give it. That’s all canon. 

S&W: I’m just saying, all signs point toward the fact that your chapel used to be a Pizza Hut.
DS: Okay, no more questions. Guess where you’re going? Hell. You’re going straight to hell. I’m officially making it a sin to go to Pizza Hut, or to even talk about it. If anyone so much as brings it up to me ever again, that’s a mortal sin. How about that? I hope you like the devil, because you guys are gonna become really close friends. In hell. Anyway, if you have any more questions, come hear me preach in Atlanta! The world is ending and only I can save you, so come visit my chapel!